October is Domestic Violence Awareness month and the facts are much scarier than anything we will see on Halloween. According to the  National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) statistics EVERY MINUTE there are 20 PEOPLE ABUSED by an intimate partner, that is more than 10 million a year. Unfortunately, many of the behaviors of abuser are overlooked and unnoticed until it is too late. Adults and teens are entering in and staying in relationships that are harmful and could even be deadly to them. The NCADV states that “Domestic violence is the willful intimidation, physical assault, battery, sexual assault, and/or other abusive behavior as part of a systematic pattern of power and control perpetrated by one intimate partner against another. It includes physical violence, sexual violence, threats, and emotional abuse. The frequency and severity of domestic violence can vary dramatically.“. One way we can combat against the violence is to understand the signs and tactics that abusers may use. 

1. Being Very possessive, Jealous and Controlling 

There may be a bit of attraction related to seeing our significant other get jealous; it can make us feel special or make as feel as though our significant other truly loves us. Unfortunately, jealousy can quickly change from flattering to flattening. When a spouse uses jealousy as a way to put you down and accuse you of infidelity or even flirting they are engaging in emotional abuse. They may make themselves the victim or be more of an intimidator but the goal will likely be the same for both, they will claim their ownership and control over you. They may directly or indirectly keep you from socializing with others including family. This is often a gradual invasion of your freedom and identity. 

2. Being Unpredictable but Knows Your Every Move 

It may seem sweet at first to finally meet someone who is constantly checking in with you and letting you know they are thinking about you. Be on the alert though, abuser may keep tabs on their significant other, spy on them and ultimately attack them either verbally or physically for what they see and hear. If you have ever experienced domestic abuse, first or second had, you know that there often is not an offense done by the victim but only an illusion created by the abuser. An abusive or potentially abusive lover may want to track your phone, or know your by the minute schedule and they may use this information to surprise you and meet you places unexpectedly, you will know they have control over you and can find you anywhere you go. As domestic abuser usually start their abuse and take their control gradually they may set this system in place before you realize the level of their jealousy and possessiveness. 

3. Being Controlling with Money or Sabotaging financial and education opportunities

It may seem sweet that your knew love interest wants you to call off of work and spend the day with them but be careful to not let go of your independence. A significant other may try to gain control by becoming the only one with income in the relationship. They may plead with you to quit your job or try to get you fired through keeping you from work or finding ways to hinder your performance at work. They may try to make you feel unintelligent and discourage you from a job, a  promotion or even higher education. Some abusive spouses have even sabotaged birth control or forced conception to keep their victims from leaving or working and having independence. No matter what you decide is best for your relationship, be sure you never give up your independence and ability to totally do you.  

4. Being Cruel and Humiliating 

Everyone enjoys a good burn and laugh at a friends expense sometimes. That is not the same thing as a spouse who says something cruel to you privately or publicly does and says things to humiliate you. Your significant other may apologize, or down play their words and actions but do not let them convince you that you are too sensitive. If the behavior is a pattern that has occurred more than once, it is not a misunderstanding, it is not you being too sensitive it is verbal abuse. An abuser may even degrade a victim in a sexual setting, making them do things they do not want to do, insulting them or being forceful with sex. If you confront your spouse about the things they do and say to hurt you and they do not respond with love, understanding and an urgency to better respect your boundaries, you need to reevaluate their motives for treating you that way. Abusers will do all they can to make you feel small, so they can feel big and gain more power. 

5. Being Short Tempered and Violent 

We all get upset but if you are dating someone who is short tempered and often gets angry it may only be a matter of time before that anger and aggression is directed towards you if it has not been already. Abusers use this emotion to assert their strength and dominance, they may throw things, break things or even punch holes in walls but even if they are just verbally expressing their anger, these are red flags. If your spouse has anger issues and refuses to get help or gets angry with you when you confront them, you may need to consider how their anger and aggression impacts you and your life. These people may flaunt weapons, come from an abusive household or abuse other family members and pets. 

BE MINFUL OF THESE SIGNS AND SPEAK OUT AGAINST DOMESTIC VIOLENCE.